somanythingsleftunsaid


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Oh Captain! My Captain!

LOS ANGELES - JUL 29:  Robin Williams arrives at the 2013 CBS TCToday the world is mourning the loss of an artistic legend. The breadth of Robin Williams’ talent spanned the same distance that his career breaking character Mork travelled way back in 1978 when it first aired. Throughout the years he’s made us laugh and cry while fighting a courageous and difficult battle of his own unbeknownst to all those who watched. His mental illness was left “unsaid,” as it does with many, many people. Myself, I hadn’t heard he was battling depression but deep down, I wasn’t surprised. So often, those who shine so bright are hiding a dark shadow within. I can’t say that I don’t understand what he was going through. Those dark times sometimes threaten to completely consume you. Sometimes, there’s an external flicker of light that eases the pain and loneliness for a while and can offer hope that things will get better, but it’s not something that you can just get over. It takes time, support, patience, love….

 

“The loneliest people are the kindest.
The saddest people smile the brightest.
All because they do not wish to see
anyone suffer the way they do.”

Unknown


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Bad Karma

Poutine makes everything better.I should have stayed in bed. I, literally should have never left it. Those days when bad mojo hovers thick like air in Hamilton on a hot, humid summer day, should automatically, be considered sick days. There’s been nothing big, (well, fixing the hot water heater might be financially big, who knows) just a series of little crappy things…little losses. It makes my little brain and little heart hurt.

Maybe you’ve seen it too….but I was tagged in a challenge on Facebook to come up with 3 positive things every day for 5 days. Today’s happy thoughts were simple though…poutine topped the list as well as not being maimed or killed whilst drowning in this vat of bad karma. The benefit of this challenge has been how it can change how I look at things, at least for a while.

Ok, it’s not so bad really, just frustrating. My woes are minuscule compared to what others are dealing with today…one friend just lost their mother and another is dealing with a broken tibia that may need surgery. Now a broken water heater, smacking my head on a cupboard door and taking a baseball to the shoulder and a glove to the face is nothing! Still doesn’t mean I don’t want to kick Karma’s a$$!


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But I like monkeys….

From Morguefile.com By iLocalised Image URI: http://mrg.bz/gVnRSS

From Morguefile.com
By iLocalised
Image URI: http://mrg.bz/gVnRSS

I keep seeing this quote popping up on the net, “Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these words…..NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.”  Not so much keen on the drama, but yes, monkeys are quite cool. My volleyball team is even made of monkeys…

Wait!

Does that mean I have monkeys? 

Anyway, I am still feeling a little lost, which is why this site has fallen silent. Life has been full of stories of illness, murder, robbery, identity theft, abduction, animal cruelty…just so many reasons why a moat filled with hungry crocks would be a fantastic gardening option for my home. It’s just hard to think that my buying a stranger a cuppa joe can make a difference.

But maybe it’s not about changing the world.

Maybe it’s about changing yourself. It’s been so easy to withdraw into the safety of eremitism. After all, it’s much easier to handle loss (of any kind) when you have no one to lose right? It’s also made me lose my sense of fun.

So enough of that! I’m not letting the “bastards get me down,” as a former coworker used to say all the time. Starting yesterday, I RAK’d the lady behind me in the Tim Horton’s drive through. It’s a start right?


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So that’s it then…

I throw in the towel…wave the white flag.

I. Just. Give. Up.

Since my mom passed away last May, I have attempted to honour her memory by finding small gestures that life a little nicer. From random acts of kindness to deliberately finding even the smallest things to be thankful for and telling the world, I’ve hoped it would make me and those around me feel a little bit better, maybe breed some good Karma.

It didn’t work.

Last night my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance. We don’t really know what’s wrong other than his legs gave out last week and he fell. Since that fall, his ability to walk has dramatically decreased and his level of pain and weakness has substantially increased.

Until you’ve watched, helpless, as your parents writhe and moan in pain, their eyes pleading with you to help them, no one can understand how much your heart can ache. How plainly you see their mortality (and your own) and how alone you really are. Where many turn to faith to keep them going in uncertain times, I find myself having less and less. While I wanted to inspire people, I find that I just can’t. In the end, it doesn’t really seem to matter. People are still mistreated, the environment is still dying, illness still happens and we all still end up the same way.


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Seconds, Minutes, Hours

The Passage of Time

The Passage of Time (Photo credit: ToniVC)

Listening to the rain fall on the window while the wind blows through the trees, my mind is whirring with thoughts as I try to will myself to sleep. It’s not working. On my way home tonight, as I was slowing to turn down my road, a large deer stepped out in front of me. The large majestic animal surveyed my approach he decided he should continue on his way and loped into the darkness. As quickly as he appeared, he was gone. A fleeting moment in time.

It’s all so fleeting really. Life, that is. We’ve divided up our lives into units of time.  Seconds, minutes, hours, days, years…..all to categorize and organize our existence. Yet it still passes all the same. Every unique experience gone in a single breath never to return. In a sense – dead, living on only in our memories.  Just like those we’ve loved and lost. As is, I learned today, the father of a family of good friends. His passing reminds me my losses as well and my heart goes out to them. Having just heard stories of this man’s life and now in his passing, I find myself thinking that he would have been an interesting man to have known better.

We never have enough time.


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Time waits for no one….

Flowers 3

Flowers 3 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The last 12 months have been dotted with a few monumental events. My milestone birthday, acceptance into a prestigious art show in the U. S., another seminar with my mentor and favourite artist, starting a campaign to raise awareness for women’s cancers (the inside story)….I’ve enjoyed a few benchmarks.

On this anniversary of mom’s passing I can’t help but imagine how she’d have reacted throughout it all had she been here to witness it. I know she’d be proud…she was always quick to brag, much to my chagrin. There’s been much that she’s missed this past dozen months, but not more than I’ve missed her.

While today is tough, it’s been made brighter by some very special people. One who has been patient with me as I move through a few different (and not overly pleasant) moods. Dear friends have sent me notes to let me know they’re thinking of me. Another sent a song they thought could offer comfort and one friend called just to talk. Without them today would have been much harder.

 


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Hey you! Yeah you! You’re beautiful!

A friend of mine has a painting in her house which simply states “You’re Beautiful” and is adorned with a heart. It’s magnificence lies within its simplicity. You honestly cannot look upon it without smiling. Last night I stumbled across a website whose mission is to do just what my friend’s painting accomplishes on a grander scale. operationbeautiful.com encourages people to leave inspiring notes in various places for people to see. The goal being to lift the spirits of someone who’s feeling down or who suffers from the same negative self-talk affliction I seem to succumb to at times. It also strives to combat some of that negative self talk. Dove has also come a long way toward trying to combat the unrealistic body images the media has perpetuated throughout the years which contributes to the self esteem issues many women and now many men face from a very young age.

So today I placed a few of these notes in various locals. Especially women’s washroom mirrors where most women’s self criticism starts. It is a seriously fun and addictive undertaking! I quite enjoyed the entire process. Try it. You never know how something so simple can change someone’s day. Now I need to create my own “beautiful” painting for my wall. We all need a reminder sometimes of how beautiful we really are.

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