somanythingsleftunsaid


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Anybody have a wrench?

pierfixI’m so broken. Like really broken. Worse yet, I don’t know how to fix it!
I want to, desperately. I look in the mirror and think “WHO are YOU!” with disdain. This insecure, unhappy, negative person looking back at me is making me and everyone else around me miserable. Last week, I ran away. Well, not really, but I was away at an art seminar. I was surrounded by some amazing people, my artistic mentor and nature. I never wanted to leave. For the first time in months, I was free of everything hurting me. I just am at such a loss. I can’t seem to shake it either. I’m just so lost.

I should be careful. I will end up sending even the strangers here that read this fleeing into the digital oblivion. Maybe that’s where the real me went. If you see her, can you send her home?


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Oh Captain! My Captain!

LOS ANGELES - JUL 29:  Robin Williams arrives at the 2013 CBS TCToday the world is mourning the loss of an artistic legend. The breadth of Robin Williams’ talent spanned the same distance that his career breaking character Mork travelled way back in 1978 when it first aired. Throughout the years he’s made us laugh and cry while fighting a courageous and difficult battle of his own unbeknownst to all those who watched. His mental illness was left “unsaid,” as it does with many, many people. Myself, I hadn’t heard he was battling depression but deep down, I wasn’t surprised. So often, those who shine so bright are hiding a dark shadow within. I can’t say that I don’t understand what he was going through. Those dark times sometimes threaten to completely consume you. Sometimes, there’s an external flicker of light that eases the pain and loneliness for a while and can offer hope that things will get better, but it’s not something that you can just get over. It takes time, support, patience, love….

 

“The loneliest people are the kindest.
The saddest people smile the brightest.
All because they do not wish to see
anyone suffer the way they do.”

Unknown


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Bad Karma

Poutine makes everything better.I should have stayed in bed. I, literally should have never left it. Those days when bad mojo hovers thick like air in Hamilton on a hot, humid summer day, should automatically, be considered sick days. There’s been nothing big, (well, fixing the hot water heater might be financially big, who knows) just a series of little crappy things…little losses. It makes my little brain and little heart hurt.

Maybe you’ve seen it too….but I was tagged in a challenge on Facebook to come up with 3 positive things every day for 5 days. Today’s happy thoughts were simple though…poutine topped the list as well as not being maimed or killed whilst drowning in this vat of bad karma. The benefit of this challenge has been how it can change how I look at things, at least for a while.

Ok, it’s not so bad really, just frustrating. My woes are minuscule compared to what others are dealing with today…one friend just lost their mother and another is dealing with a broken tibia that may need surgery. Now a broken water heater, smacking my head on a cupboard door and taking a baseball to the shoulder and a glove to the face is nothing! Still doesn’t mean I don’t want to kick Karma’s a$$!


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But I like monkeys….

From Morguefile.com By iLocalised Image URI: http://mrg.bz/gVnRSS

From Morguefile.com
By iLocalised
Image URI: http://mrg.bz/gVnRSS

I keep seeing this quote popping up on the net, “Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these words…..NOT MY CIRCUS, NOT MY MONKEYS.”  Not so much keen on the drama, but yes, monkeys are quite cool. My volleyball team is even made of monkeys…

Wait!

Does that mean I have monkeys? 

Anyway, I am still feeling a little lost, which is why this site has fallen silent. Life has been full of stories of illness, murder, robbery, identity theft, abduction, animal cruelty…just so many reasons why a moat filled with hungry crocks would be a fantastic gardening option for my home. It’s just hard to think that my buying a stranger a cuppa joe can make a difference.

But maybe it’s not about changing the world.

Maybe it’s about changing yourself. It’s been so easy to withdraw into the safety of eremitism. After all, it’s much easier to handle loss (of any kind) when you have no one to lose right? It’s also made me lose my sense of fun.

So enough of that! I’m not letting the “bastards get me down,” as a former coworker used to say all the time. Starting yesterday, I RAK’d the lady behind me in the Tim Horton’s drive through. It’s a start right?


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Timeout

Well, that was quite the tantrum and for that, I needed a timeout. Sometimes, it’s good to spend some alone time just to sort out your thoughts, and maybe to stop yourself from saying absolutely everything that comes to mind.

While everything I said in the last post is true, it’s not really the point. Life is about the journey. If you’re lucky, you find some seriously awesome people to come along for the ride. Fortunately, I’ve found some. If you can leave a positive imprint on the lives and hearts of others before your time is up, realize and achieve your dreams and hopes and love with all your heart, that is a life well spent.


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So that’s it then…

I throw in the towel…wave the white flag.

I. Just. Give. Up.

Since my mom passed away last May, I have attempted to honour her memory by finding small gestures that life a little nicer. From random acts of kindness to deliberately finding even the smallest things to be thankful for and telling the world, I’ve hoped it would make me and those around me feel a little bit better, maybe breed some good Karma.

It didn’t work.

Last night my father was taken to the hospital by ambulance. We don’t really know what’s wrong other than his legs gave out last week and he fell. Since that fall, his ability to walk has dramatically decreased and his level of pain and weakness has substantially increased.

Until you’ve watched, helpless, as your parents writhe and moan in pain, their eyes pleading with you to help them, no one can understand how much your heart can ache. How plainly you see their mortality (and your own) and how alone you really are. Where many turn to faith to keep them going in uncertain times, I find myself having less and less. While I wanted to inspire people, I find that I just can’t. In the end, it doesn’t really seem to matter. People are still mistreated, the environment is still dying, illness still happens and we all still end up the same way.


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Gobble, gobble, gobble….

Thanksgiving at the Trolls

Thanksgiving at the Trolls (Photo credit: martha_chapa95)

As a tried and true Canuck, I’m celebrating Thanksgiving this weekend. This means getting together with family and friends and way, WAY too much food. Friday I had the great fortune to get together with a dear friend whom I met during my sentence in our post secondary institution – err, I mean, my time in high school. While visiting with her parents for the holiday they were kind enough to open their doors to little ol’ me too. It was loads of fun sitting and chatting with them all.
Yesterday I believe I resurfaced from my food-induced coma around 7 p.m. following a typically, large holiday lunch. No one should ever go hungry when eating with this family. If they do, it’s their own fault. What started out as a meal for three, turned into dinner for 8. So the menu grew too. Today is catch-up day. Painting, and more painting, but some time for a little fun too. It would have been mom and dad’s 46th anniversary today. Holidays are always a little bitter-sweet now that mom’s gone. She had some big shoes to fill when it came to holiday meals. So while it’s nice to have family and friends around, there’s still a little something missing for us. I saw that on my dad’s face at times yesterday too. But we carry on…as she’d have wanted, no, insisted.