Today is Mother’s Day. Exactly three years ago on this date mom lost her battle with cancer. It sucks. Seriously. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish she were here. Of course it’s because I miss her but it’s also because she had so much more life to live. She taught me to strut to my own beat…she was the embodiment of that. Be unique, be fun, be brave….be YOU and she was all of that in spades. Despite my many shortcomings and flaws I always knew that my mom would still love and accept me. As memories of the past flood in today I’m reminded of the void she left in my life and my heart.
“Tread lightly in the lives of others for you don’t know what pain is in their heart.” – I wish I could remember the actual quote but that’s the gist of it. As I glanced down at my phone to see who had sent the text I heard come in, I tried to adjust my course to avoid a couple carrying two small children across my path. Instead we both veered and ended up doing the two step. Instead of smirking like I did, the response was a hostile “watch where you’re going!” as they continued to the store. After a couple of kinda rough days, this really didn’t sit well with me. What if the text I was looking at was about something bad? What if they had said that to someone in a fragile emotional state? What if it was the last straw that broke them? We can’t know what’s going on in the lives of strangers. We rarely know what’s really going on in the lives of those we’re close to. Would it have killed them to show a little understanding and patience? So much for today being a day of love.
And this is why I like animals.
Oh. What was my response to this?? Well after a snarky retort of “sorry, did you have to take an extra step?” I finished my grocery shopping then went to Tim Horton’s and paid for the order for the person behind me in the drive through.
Every now and then something comes along that hits home. The grind of the everyday tends to wear on you, dwindling your optimism, your patience, and your faith into nothingness, until something comes along to remind you that what really matters isn’t the minutia of life. We lose track of the larger picture as the traffic jams, the endless meetings and the deadlines overwhelm us. The big problems then swoop in and sit like a cloud of ash over us, blocking out the goodness and light.
Then you realize, it’s all finite. One day, there will come an end to the cars, the bills, the illnesses and the arguing. It will just stop. This reminder came to me in the form of a blog post made by a 36 year old woman who just passed after a fight with bowel cancer. Her words stuck with me as she described the “gaping, unjust, cruel and pointless hole” in the lives of those who know and love her.
You can read her full post here and I really recommend that you do…
Am I still struggling with stuff? Of course. But strangely, I took some solace and peace away from her words and it’s helped me to look at my world with a little more patience and compassion and just a small amount of hope.
I’m so broken. Like really broken. Worse yet, I don’t know how to fix it!
I want to, desperately. I look in the mirror and think “WHO are YOU!” with disdain. This insecure, unhappy, negative person looking back at me is making me and everyone else around me miserable. Last week, I ran away. Well, not really, but I was away at an art seminar. I was surrounded by some amazing people, my artistic mentor and nature. I never wanted to leave. For the first time in months, I was free of everything hurting me. I just am at such a loss. I can’t seem to shake it either. I’m just so lost.
I should be careful. I will end up sending even the strangers here that read this fleeing into the digital oblivion. Maybe that’s where the real me went. If you see her, can you send her home?
Today the world is mourning the loss of an artistic legend. The breadth of Robin Williams’ talent spanned the same distance that his career breaking character Mork travelled way back in 1978 when it first aired. Throughout the years he’s made us laugh and cry while fighting a courageous and difficult battle of his own unbeknownst to all those who watched. His mental illness was left “unsaid,” as it does with many, many people. Myself, I hadn’t heard he was battling depression but deep down, I wasn’t surprised. So often, those who shine so bright are hiding a dark shadow within. I can’t say that I don’t understand what he was going through. Those dark times sometimes threaten to completely consume you. Sometimes, there’s an external flicker of light that eases the pain and loneliness for a while and can offer hope that things will get better, but it’s not something that you can just get over. It takes time, support, patience, love….
“The loneliest people are the kindest.
The saddest people smile the brightest.
All because they do not wish to see
anyone suffer the way they do.”
Screw you Karma. I’m not letting you punish me anymore. I punish myself enough that I don’t need you to join in. It seems that it doesn’t matter how much good you try to do, bad S#!T still happens to you, people still hurt you, illness and injury take a toll and things go drastically wrong. I can’t keep believing that some mystical force is working for and against you based on things you do and decisions you make. All I can do is strive to be a good person. Love those that love me. Be kind to others and try to do what I can to make the world a better place. That is exactly what I will do. We all make mistakes, or find out the decisions we’ve made weren’t the best….but it’s not done intentionally. Typically, most people do things based on the information they have at the time or based on the feelings the feel, how can you be punished for trying your best or for having feelings? I need to be free of this concept. I forever walk around wondering what I’ve done to deserve the crap that is dealt to me, then trying to make up for it. It’s time to let that go. I’m finished with trying to atone for things I’ve done while only trying hard to do my best with the situations and events in my life.
I should have stayed in bed. I, literally should have never left it. Those days when bad mojo hovers thick like air in Hamilton on a hot, humid summer day, should automatically, be considered sick days. There’s been nothing big, (well, fixing the hot water heater might be financially big, who knows) just a series of little crappy things…little losses. It makes my little brain and little heart hurt.
Maybe you’ve seen it too….but I was tagged in a challenge on Facebook to come up with 3 positive things every day for 5 days. Today’s happy thoughts were simple though…poutine topped the list as well as not being maimed or killed whilst drowning in this vat of bad karma. The benefit of this challenge has been how it can change how I look at things, at least for a while.
Ok, it’s not so bad really, just frustrating. My woes are minuscule compared to what others are dealing with today…one friend just lost their mother and another is dealing with a broken tibia that may need surgery. Now a broken water heater, smacking my head on a cupboard door and taking a baseball to the shoulder and a glove to the face is nothing! Still doesn’t mean I don’t want to kick Karma’s a$$!