somanythingsleftunsaid

Memories and Memorials

2 Comments

I attended a memorial this week at the hospital where mom passed away. It was the first time that I’d been back there since that day in May and it was the last place I wanted to be. My dad wanted to go, out of respect for mom’s memory and I too wanted that, however being at the last place I saw her alive was extremely difficult. As I approached the doors to enter the building a flood of memories of those two weeks came rushing back. It’s not how I want to remember her. I could remember the day she was admitted, the fear in her voice when she asked me if she was going to be ok, the day the doctor told us that she was dying and approached me to decide what actions to take as she neared the end. I could remember the day she started slipping away and most of all, the day she died. Still, I maintained my composure and took a seat. I busied myself by reading the program, texting and checking emails until the service started. The Chaplain’s words were just that, words, to me with very little affect. It wasn’t until the social worker with whom I’d dealt with during the final days took the floor and began to speak. I felt myself growing angry. I was already angry with the hospital and I guess I directed my anger toward him. He became the face to which I could affix to the “problem.” He spoke of grief and grieving and everything he said from beginning to end resonated with me. It made me cry. He said that you may begin to feel like you’re finally “ok” then one day, a song, a colour, a scent, something, will trigger that grief again, reminding you of the loss of your loved one. Causing you to experience that pain again as if it had happened that very day. That’s how I felt being there for the memorial. It has shadowed me since. I believe feeling this way is a testament to how close I was to her and illustrates how much I miss her. While I didn’t want to relate to what the social worker said, I could and it reassured me in some ways to hear it from someone I didn’t know.

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2 thoughts on “Memories and Memorials

  1. Hi Ronnie:
    What the social worker had to say is so true. Yes you will have good days and you will have days where you think you are going over the edge. All very normal for sure. We do not like it but it is so true when we love someone like you loved your mom. It hurts and it hurts and it continues to hurt for a long while. You will never forget her, her smile, her help, her love, her care, her giving you so much. Yes it hurts and love lost through death always hurt. If we do not want to hurt then we cannot love, but then what kind of a life would that be? Not much for sure.

    I am so glad that your dad wanted to go to this memorial and that you went along also. It is all part of the healing and the getting better for both of you. I am sure it was a very had thing to do as you indicated. It was however good for both of you.

    Keep on talking, writing, painting and going. Not easy but a real need to do so.

    Also, know that you are loved and so often I think of you and your dad, and in the quiet of the night, or as I sit at my desk, or as I drive the car, or where ever, you and your dad come to my mind and I ask God to be with you, to help you and to comfort you. Yes you are loved.

    Allan

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