This past weekend saw the 3 month anniversary of my mother’s passing. While the intensity of your grief lessens with time, I find that there are still many sad days. This, I would think, when you lose someone close to you – someone who was a large part of your life – is natural. At least, that’s what everyone tells me. Perhaps it would do a disservice to the person you love if that was not true. At least for me, but not everyone is the same. The grieving process is such a personal and individual thing that no two people can be expected to react the same way. Some other things I’m learning along the way are that you may tend to try to rush yourself to heal. Don’t. You can’t. Healing is an elusive animal and will only come at it’s own speed.
Whatever you feel is ok. Anger, sadness, happiness, longing, loneliness…all of it is ok. While many well-meaning individuals in your life may offer their wisdom, suggesting doctors, therapists, medications or other means of coping, do what YOU feel YOU need to do. Many people who deal with death professionally say it can take at least a year to go through the entire grieving process. For some people it takes longer. Sometimes, what those who are grieving need most, is understanding, compassion and patience from those around them.
Don’t keep it to yourself. It’s tempting. It would sometimes be much easier to NOT say how you feel, in the hopes that it would just go away. I’ve found, it doesn’t. It’s still there and it wells and festers the longer you hold it in. Talk to someone you trust, write it down…anything to help you work things out.
This is not easy, so stop beating yourself up. I find that I get very frustrated with myself on those days that I’m sad, angry or distracted. I keep thinking that maybe I’m supposed to be “over it” by now. I worry that I may not be moving on as I’m supposed to or as expected. Sometimes the suggestions others make about doctors, therapy and medications amplify those doubts. Ultimately, however, I know that you can’t really help how you feel…and I need to feel these things so that I can keep moving forward.